The Premise: Determine Where to Move in the Continental U.S.

For lack of any further brilliant epiphanies, I've decided to post my dilemma on the 'internets'. The so called dilemma: Where to move. After years of attempting to live life in a Southern college town, we've essentially decided that achieving this is basically impossible. Between the odds of violent death at the hands of drunk college students, the numerous calls to the police to try to get some peace and quiet just to sleep through the night, and an absolutely dessicated job market, we've just got to go. Keeping in mind a few factors of course:

1. Anywhere remotely associated with the 'South' has been done, so to speak, and thus not an option.
2. College students (well, the obnoxious, rude, noisy ones anyway) are a bane to society as I have indicated.
3. Alcoholics and drunk drivers... well, lets just say that in a week of criminal hearings, all were for DUI, and there have been at least 3 deaths in the past 3 weeks associated with DUI as well. The less numerous the drinking problems, the better.

So the question remains to me "Where should we move?" Where on the green earth, preferably in the U.S, can one go to live life, with a decent job and nice neighborhoods wherein one doesn't have to dread the change of semester for fear of what new horror may move in next door this time. A place where when I drive down the street I don't find myself in terror for my life because 80% of the population apparently never completed a driver's ed class and/or has no legal license to drive because it's been suspended due to DUI. A place that has access to wild territories where one can actually go outside and fish or camp and not die instantly of humidity and heatstroke or be assaulted by 10,000 mosquitoes. A place with a job market that isn't monopolized by a university that, while it employs the majority of county residents, has the lowest pay rate on the board. A place with a decent hospital system and/or reasonable access to quality medical offices. A place where one doesn't have to work 3 jobs to pay the mortgage.

Indeed, if it exists, this is our Mecca, our Holy City, our Oz... so the question remains: Where is it? Most likely it's a retirement community somewhere, but where ever it may be, eventually it will have us in it too.